I am what I hate.
Here I am again. Hating things about myself.
No pity please. I'm just being honest.
Typing in my blog site and seeing that the title is actually "being honest" made me feel like writing this more.
I'm just gross lately.
I wrote this at work the other day:
"I feel like lately I've been that girl who expects the worst of people and of life. Easily let down. Not hopeful. Self-centered. I'm so quick to respond, reacting poorly most of the time, putting blame on others and sometimes venturing to take responsibility for my own actions and then fearing that the other person involved will get by knowing I'm prone to apologize and they're able to take advantage of that. Then hurt me again in the future. I make things a big deal that aren't. I don't always receive the love others try to give me. I find myself wanting to be alone. I feel like the love that surrounds me is conditional. And God's sometimes feels that way to me too, but saying that doesn't sound right but I haven't spent enough time with Him lately, reading His word, to know for sure. I'm housing bitterness. And it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like it belongs inside of me. And it makes me feel like I don't know myself because it's so foreign. I have double standards. I get upset with others for the same things I find myself doing. The girl who I am isn't my favorite and it seems understandable that others would like her. Her. Third person. Not how I like to talk about myself. I want to be easy going. I want to be laid back. Emanating light and giving off gentleness. I want to love well. I want to be patient and let things go and not get so overwhelmed and emotional. I want to understand others and feel understood. I want to be less selfish. I need Jesus."
"I feel like lately I've been that girl who expects the worst of people and of life. Easily let down. Not hopeful. Self-centered. I'm so quick to respond, reacting poorly most of the time, putting blame on others and sometimes venturing to take responsibility for my own actions and then fearing that the other person involved will get by knowing I'm prone to apologize and they're able to take advantage of that. Then hurt me again in the future. I make things a big deal that aren't. I don't always receive the love others try to give me. I find myself wanting to be alone. I feel like the love that surrounds me is conditional. And God's sometimes feels that way to me too, but saying that doesn't sound right but I haven't spent enough time with Him lately, reading His word, to know for sure. I'm housing bitterness. And it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like it belongs inside of me. And it makes me feel like I don't know myself because it's so foreign. I have double standards. I get upset with others for the same things I find myself doing. The girl who I am isn't my favorite and it seems understandable that others would like her. Her. Third person. Not how I like to talk about myself. I want to be easy going. I want to be laid back. Emanating light and giving off gentleness. I want to love well. I want to be patient and let things go and not get so overwhelmed and emotional. I want to understand others and feel understood. I want to be less selfish. I need Jesus."
I figured I might as well type this out.
It's on my mind all the time.
I'm on my mind all the time.
I don't like feeling like I have enemies.
I think that's a huge part of what brought me here.
Not to blame those people, because I should never respond this way.
It's a sure test of my character.
It's easy to tell others to be around those they feel judged by. It's easy to encourage others to be the better person, to forgive, to love their enemies. And when I've had the option of doing these things myself, I've failed.
And I don't feel strong enough sometimes to do what I know is right, what I know would honor God.
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."
:: Luke 6
:: Luke 6
Jesus teaches some amazing things. To ask this of His followers is really awesome.
I read this and realize this is the opposite of what I'm doing. This really does feel like the unnatural response in the situations I'm in. So praise God that what He asks of His followers is something unnatural, something that people aren't prone to do, something that we need His strength for.
Salt. Light. Loving in this way.
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls—
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
The Lord God is my strength;
And there be no herd in the stalls—
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
The Lord God is my strength;
:: Habakkuk 3
He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you,
for My strength is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore most gladly i will rather boast in my infirmities,
that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches,
in needs, in persecutions, in distress, for Christ's sake.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
:: 2 Corinthians 12
Let's do this.
posted by Emily @ 6:16 PM
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