A thousand piece puzzle.
Tonight, I was thinking of how life is like a thousand piece puzzle.
There are so many pieces.
You begin to put them together, typically starting with the edges.
Finding the corners and flat pieces help you feel like you have the basic frame, a foundation.
Then you find random middle pieces and try to put those together.
There are blues so you put them with the blues.
You find what looks like an eyebrow and you try to find the one that goes with it, so you search for what looks like an actual eye. You put those together and feel a sense of accomplishment.
Then you see the pieces with buttons and put them near the solid yellows assuming there is some sort of jacket in the picture.
All of that.
You set your puzzle in a safe place, letting people know they can look, "But just be careful around it because I don't want it to get messed up. I've spent a lot of time on it. But yeah, go ahead and enjoy it."
Sometimes people get to help you with it. "Put this piece here. Yeah, that's good...Oh yes! Perfect! I've been looking for the one that goes here. Now that corner is finished!"
Then that person comes along who doesn't seem to care. They might pull a piece or two out. Look at them individually. You wonder why but you just let them do their thing.
Then you meet the person who has been secretly working on a section of it. Pulling pieces out of the box when you weren't looking. But you're grateful because they have assembled maybe a hundred or so. There are holes, but you've been holding those pieces wondering where they go. So now you can simply put that person's work within yours. And then together, you finish it off.
Then another person comes by and accidentally spills their water all over a portion of the puzzle.
"Ahhhh, seriously?"
But you just let it go. It was only water. Wait for that part to dry and then just start again. They surprise you when they offer to dry it off for you. After all, it was just a mistake. The water kind of shriveled up the design, blending the colors and wearing through the paper on top. There are water spots on the brown underneath. But it's okay. They made their mark.
But then there's a person who walks by and kicks out a whole section.
"Oops. Sorry 'bout that!"
"Ahhhh, seriously?"
"Oooh, sorry."
And then they don't try to fix it. They just leave you to start that part over again. The pieces aren't everywhere, but they're disassembled. And that's a bummer. For a while you feel defeated, but then you admit that it's all right. That you're sad they just walked on by. Did damage and just left. But it's okay. You have to finish your puzzle. And you're getting used to these types of things happening.
You find out that the person from earlier has put together another hundred pieces. There are holes, but you've been holding those pieces wondering where they go. So now you can simply put that person's work within yours. And then together, you finish it off.
With this comparison, one can't say the puzzle gets finished really. At least I don't think that works.
After all, some of the many pieces may not even be in the box, really. But you'll never really know.
I am what I hate.
Here I am again. Hating things about myself.
No pity please. I'm just being honest.
Typing in my blog site and seeing that the title is actually "being honest" made me feel like writing this more.
I'm just gross lately.
I wrote this at work the other day:
"I feel like lately I've been that girl who expects the worst of people and of life. Easily let down. Not hopeful. Self-centered. I'm so quick to respond, reacting poorly most of the time, putting blame on others and sometimes venturing to take responsibility for my own actions and then fearing that the other person involved will get by knowing I'm prone to apologize and they're able to take advantage of that. Then hurt me again in the future. I make things a big deal that aren't. I don't always receive the love others try to give me. I find myself wanting to be alone. I feel like the love that surrounds me is conditional. And God's sometimes feels that way to me too, but saying that doesn't sound right but I haven't spent enough time with Him lately, reading His word, to know for sure. I'm housing bitterness. And it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like it belongs inside of me. And it makes me feel like I don't know myself because it's so foreign. I have double standards. I get upset with others for the same things I find myself doing. The girl who I am isn't my favorite and it seems understandable that others would like her. Her. Third person. Not how I like to talk about myself. I want to be easy going. I want to be laid back. Emanating light and giving off gentleness. I want to love well. I want to be patient and let things go and not get so overwhelmed and emotional. I want to understand others and feel understood. I want to be less selfish. I need Jesus."
I figured I might as well type this out.
It's on my mind all the time.
I'm on my mind all the time.
I don't like feeling like I have enemies.
I think that's a huge part of what brought me here.
Not to blame those people, because I should never respond this way.
It's a sure test of my character.
It's easy to tell others to be around those they feel judged by. It's easy to encourage others to be the better person, to forgive, to love their enemies. And when I've had the option of doing these things myself, I've failed.
And I don't feel strong enough sometimes to do what I know is right, what I know would honor God.
"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."
:: Luke 6
Jesus teaches some amazing things. To ask this of His followers is really awesome.
I read this and realize this is the opposite of what I'm doing. This really does feel like the unnatural response in the situations I'm in. So praise God that what He asks of His followers is something unnatural, something that people aren't prone to do, something that we need His strength for.
Salt. Light. Loving in this way.
Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
And there be no herd in the stalls—
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.
The Lord God is my strength;
:: Habakkuk 3
He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you,
for My strength is made perfect in weakness."
Therefore most gladly i will rather boast in my infirmities,
that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches,
in needs, in persecutions, in distress, for Christ's sake.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
:: 2 Corinthians 12
Let's do this.
Resting.
Having Landon in my life is such a huge blessing. I rarely put names to blogs, (Yazz's being the other exception), but I am delighted to be in a relationship with him so I feel free to write his lovely name. (Yes, I even like his name a lot.)
I love that we can't help but smile when we look at each other.
I love that driving 100 miles today with him only felt like 10.
I love when he sings along with songs on the radio and doesn't know the words because I still get to hear his beautiful voice.
I love that we are so aware of how much we have to learn.
I love that he helps me direct my heart towards the Lord.
I love that he is always trying to understand me better.
I love that Lan wrote this to me tonight:
"I see why God said his creation was good every time I see you."
Thinking of how God has been transforming that heart of his fills me with happiness.
It breaks my heart when I hear of other people speaking of a love they're looking for, waiting for. But it does make me so incredibly grateful that God has put Landon in my life to challenge, encourage, teach, and love me better with each passing day.
I have been learning a lot about being secure in Christ and in my femininity and something in the book Captivating related a lot to my last post about opening my heart up and trusting God to protect me.
Here are some of the truths in that book that recently stayed with me:
"Webster defines 'risk' as exposing one's life to the possibility of injury, damage, or loss. The life of the friends of God is a life of profound risk. The risk of loving others. The risk of stepping out and offering, speaking up and following our God-given dreams. The risk of playing the irreplaceable role that is ours to play. Of course it is hard. If it were easy, you'd see lots of women living this way."
1 Peter 3:5-6 // For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
"The reason we fear to step out is because we know that it might not go well. We have a history of wounds screaming at us to play it safe. We feel so deeply that if it doesn't go well, if we are not received well, their reaction becomes the verdict on our lives, on our very beings, on our hearts. We fear that our deepest doubts about ourselves as women will be confirmed. Again. That we will hear yet again the message of our wounds, the piercing negative answers to our Question. That is why we can only risk stepping out when we are resting in the love of God. When we have received his verdict on our lives--that we are chosen and dearly loved. That He finds us captivating. Then we are free to offer."
I find that pursuing God and seeking Him above all else is the most satisfying thing in life. When I rest in God's love, I am free. I am free to take risks. To love others. To be loved by others. It is a scary world out there, let's be honest. And I know there will be times when I will get hurt. Things I won't understand. Things that will drive me crazy as I try to figure them out. Life isn't this easy journey, but something about knowing God and living with the love of Christ in my heart and mind gives me this peace and confidence to face each day. I am so grateful. God, You are so good. Thank You for loving me. It is by Your love that I can love other people and I know that at the end of the day, Your love is what holds me. What sustains me and satisfies me. And lets me know I'm protected. Thank You.
"God asks us to be vulnerable. He invites us to share and give in our weaknesses. He wants us to offer the beauty that he has given us even when we are keenly aware that it is not all that we wish it were. He wants us to trust him. How it turns out is no longer the point. Living in this way, as a woman alive, is a choice we make because it is the woman we want to be. It is our loving response to our Lover's invitation."
Lately,
Lately, I've been coming to terms with the fact that there is a lot of fear in this heart of mine.
I feel myself grabbing hold of it and trying to protect, trying to make sure nothing goes wrong, that nothing surprises me. I want to be prepared for pain.
Lately, I've been so inspired to enjoy life in a new way. I want to stop trying to brace myself for what's to come. I want to experience life with all that I have and risk getting hurt. And cry when I need to. And feel love when it's there.
I don't want to run away from love.
I have this idea that creeps into my mind that things really might be too good to be true, that I will always get hurt. And I live life half-heartedly because of this mentality.
I never know what to expect but I try to anticipate the steps ahead. Whenever I hear about other people talking about how they have to give their plans to God, I think of how I don't have these specific goals and dreams and plans for my life. But really, I think I do. And I think that plan is to not get hurt. That plan is to prepare and protect.
I want to give my heart fully to the Lord.
I want to be so wrapped up in His love that I live in the freedom of His son.
I want to trust that He'll protect me. That He is strong enough.
