BEING HONEST.: September 2009

Settle down.

I sometimes feel like I'm bound in this cage of my own thoughts. They just circle around in my head and almost never seem to settle. I push myself to think sometimes in order to come to some conclusion and sometimes it happens, but very rarely. But in case of the off chance that a conclusion or understanding will come, I feel like I can't help but let my mind run. New insights arise every now and then. And that's been happening today and this past week, but I feel stuck where I'm at in relation to some things. I hate feeling stuck. So now I am just waiting, I guess. But I sort of get confused about what to do in the mean time. I'm praying things through. Coming to God because I really don't feel like there's anyone I want to talk to really. Sometimes there are, but it seems like I cannot communicate with them or that I shouldn't really say anything. So silly. Mind, life, just settle down please.

Reflection.

This was one of my assignments for school. Praise God that this is what they call "Homework" at Biola.

Psalm 119:9-16

“How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. Praise be to you, O Lord; teach me your decrees. With my lips I recount all the laws that come from your mouth. I rejoice in following your statutes as one rejoices in great riches. I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways. I delight in your decrees; I will not neglect your word.”

As I sit and contemplate God’s Word at 7:00 AM, I can’t help but notice the reflections of the sunrise, which I seldom see. But beautifully, as I look up and notice the orange rays fading into the lovely blue sky that that sun is lighting up, the lyrics “As surely as the sun will rise, You’ll come to us,” took their place in my mind. And I sat. And I pondered that thought. I’ve decided to listen to the song “You’ll Come” to worship in another way and focus prior to writing the rest of this paper.

There’s a certain calm and freshness to the morning that makes writing this paper at this hour so much different than writing during the nighttime. I’m excited for the impression the passage in Psalms and the act of reflecting on it will make upon my heart as I set out for another day. Incorporating Lectio Divina into my time allotted for meditation on Psalm 119:9-16 changed the way I read it. Instead of reading it once or twice in my head, I read aloud the words on the page five or six times. Each time, the very first verse caught my attention. How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to Your Word. I’m automatically forced to ask the question, “How does one live according to the Word?” And the first step in doing this is knowing God’s Word. And before knowing the Word comes taking the initiative and practicing the discipline of reading the Bible. Application one came to mind, which really happens to just be a reminder I’ve been constantly receiving here at Biola which is “Read the Bible.” I must read God’s Word far more often than I do in order to know it and follow Jesus, and thus, keep my way pure before the Lord.

Meditating on the verse I quoted above and also noticing and re-reading the verbs chosen for each verse helped me understand the passage better. The following words caught my attention: seek, have hidden, rejoice, meditate, and delight. Seeking God has been of great value to me since the turning point of surrender in my walk with Christ. God wants to reveal Himself to us and if we are seeking Him wholeheartedly, we will find that He is working all around us and through us. The idea of hiding God’s Word in my heart brings to mind the act of having God’s Word sink so deep down into my heart that it’s almost concealed in a way and embedded in my being. And I think of how it’s as if His Word has a safe little resting place in the depths of my soul. As His Word remains there in the depths of who I am, my character will become more like that of Christ. The act of rejoicing in following God’s statutes is not something I hear quite often. Sometimes I hear people explaining how following God is so hard and keeping His commands seems like it takes the fun and excitement out of life. Of course, there are those who do rejoice is obeying His Word and seeing the fruits of those actions. I want to be someone whom people can look at and say, “It seems as if she finds so much pleasure in following Christ and learning God’s Word. That’s an example I want to follow.”

This passage led me to pray for discipline and the desire to continue reading the Living Word of God. The more it is taking root in my heart and mind, the more I will grow and the more fruits of the Spirit I’ll bear. I pray that as I study and learn more about the Word, that God will use it to transform me. My heart is in great need of transformation as I lately have been finding myself having trouble getting out of my own mind and into the mindset of my Savior. I get extremely caught up in my meaningless and cyclical, unproductive thoughts and pray for the ability to focus on God in those moments and rest in His love and trust in His goodness.

Actions speak louder than words.

I'm sick of being someone that people just talk about loving.
"She just really loves you."
"Oh he says how much he loves you."
Let your actions be free to speak of love.
And sometimes don't let the words leave your mouth.
The words lose meaning.
The actions increase in significance.
The more you can build upon a love already strong,
the more solid the foundation becomes.
It seems so simple to me.
It seems so simple.
So please just stop speaking of love.
Please stop just speaking of love.
I'd rather never hear the words leave your mouth
and always feel love pressing upon my heart.
So feel free to stop telling me.
And just simply show me.
We can do the same for each other.
Because sometimes the thoughts and the statements
are just not enough.

This doesn't apply to everyone.
I'm just frustrated.

Dry.

This well just can't be dry.
But sometimes you drain me.
Living Water, fill me up
I can't do this on my own.

My heart is dry,
but my eyes are not.

My heart is dry.
But my eyes are not.

Relationships.

Sometimes they make me crazy.

Self-centered.

No one really gives anyone the benefit of doubt here.
But neither do I.

First impressions are so much more important these days.

And I make them too important myself.

Are they picking at all my flaws?

Possibly.

And I do the same.

I am what I hate.

I am not the friend I desire.

And I feel like I bury myself deeper in this hole.

God, please pull me out.

I lose patience with those who are impatient.

I criticize those who criticize others.

I sometimes feel like I've lost that ability to see beyond

the surface and into the heart these days.

And I want people to do that for me.

I am what I hate.

I am not the person that I think others should be.

Selfishness is disgusting.

I want all this attention.

And I don't have the energy to give any to others.

So consumed with myself.

I say things that offend people without even thinking.

And sometimes I don't even feel like feeling bad.

I try to protect this heart because I don't trust others to.

And I become cold.

I need to place my heart in God's hands and
not try to take it back into my own.

He'll protect it, so what am I so afraid of?

Feeling abandoned and not cared for.

Dwelling on those who have wronged me.

And focusing on feeling betrayed.

When will I get over myself?

Selfishness is disgusting.

It's all about me.
And I hate that.

But I just don't feel known here.
And I don't know where home is.

Something needs to change
because I can't keep living with this mentality.

BEING HONEST.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Settle down.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Reflection.

Actions speak louder than words.

Dry.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Relationships.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Self-centered.

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