Questioning. Pleading. Praying for you.
NEW SKIN
did you call it quits?
because your eyes have been hallow.
reckless in this new skin
your heart has been shallow.
beating like a drum pulled tight and anxious.
pulsing with the pressure of your recent changes.
but as summer stands by,
the worry sets in about your future.
as summer stands by,
we're wondering now, "did we lose her."
i'm not so sure we'll still be here when you come back.
but i swear we'll do our best to love you either way.
we were all best friends so many years ago.
i hope and pray that you will find yourself some day.
some day.
We love you and miss you. Please accept our invitation to have you
back in our lives. It's just not the same without you, my dear. I want
to say take your time, but the thought of you doing that scares me.
A conversation
i am really confused and scared and saddened.
My friend, these words describe me as well.
i don't know what tomorrow will bring.
I can assure you that none of us can tell.
i don't know what three thousand miles can do.
The reality seems distant, yet sometimes very close.
you told me i need to let go, and i know that true.
Yes this part of the journey is hard, I suppose.
but it doesn't make it any easier when it comes to it.
So, you agree? That now makes two of us.
i feel like it has been a long build up.
This is definitely true, but say this, I must,
and now it has been a quick tear down.
My heart breaks for you, it's inevitable I fear.
which has always seemed to be the case in history;
All these up's and down's, the pattern's not clear.
things are destroyed much more quickly than they are built.
I didn't mean to hurt you, please spare me the guilt.
I now present to you: Cheesy
Do you need to me to leave you alone? I'm not sure I know how.
I kind of thought this would be easier, prior to now.
I can't help but read your words. I cannot help but dwell
in recalling past memories and thinking of how you fell.
That word 'fell' has come to mean more than one thing.
At first it was love, and now the heartache it brings.
I hate to think of your tears, confusion, or pain.
But trust me friend with these words I can't contain.
I've thought of you every day, but uneasy I feel.
My current state confuses me, but I'm hoping that one day we'll
look back and understand it all with the help of our God.
I pray He'll reveal the mystery of this road we have trod.
The upcoming changes ignite fear inside of me.
Thinking of our potential reality, what our relationship will be.
So to some degree, we're on the same page.
The contrast we thought existed should be differently gauged.
I don't think our mindsets are as contrary as you've said.
But what do I know? I've done too much looking ahead.
It was probably not wise, but I feel I cannot control my thoughts.
My emotions are scattered and they have done nothing but brought
us here to this uncomfortable place.
Confusion, defeat, and worry are written upon your face.
I'll admit that mine reveals the same.
Such an enigma this love recently became.
I don't want to lose you but should we let go?
I thought the answers were clear, but now I just don't know.
Haha, I suck.
But it's okay.
:)
Chaos > Stillness
// I am trusting You God because I feel like things are a mess around here.
[I have to learn to give up control]
// I am trusting You God with my head and with my heart.
[I want to learn to be selfless]
// I am trusting that You know better than I do.
[I need to learn to find rest in You]
// I am trusting that You'll lead me.
[I must learn to bring You glory in everything]
// I feel scared. I feel confused.
[My heart feels heavy]
// I feel anxious. I feel tired.
[My mind has been flooded]
// I feel hopeful. I feel love.
[My heart is made light in Your hands]
// I feel patient. I feel joyful.
[My mind is resting in Your peace]
This whole love thing has us all distracted.
Sometimes it leaves us all confused.
But I pray that this whole love thing one day
Will always bring us back to You.
Will help us be consumed with You.
Will show we love only because of You.
Boston
Here I am, not actually in Boston anymore, rather I am in Wenham, Massachusetts visiting Gordon College. I would typically write about this kind of thing in my journal but I cannot see because the only light in this room is this computer so I figured I would just blog about this visit. Well let me just say that Boston is probably the coolest city I have ever been to. During the tour we went on, with Ray Beez as our awesome tour guide with a thick Boston accent, I found that I couldn't stop saying things like "Oh my gosh, that is so awesome" and "Ahh, look how beautiful that is!" And I usually hate the wind making my hair crazy but something about just getting to wear a coat for the first time in a while, being in the wonderful 50 degree weather, and having a nice east coast breeze blowing made me not care. The weather was perfect today.
I can't believe how much history happened here. I felt like everything I learned about in school happened in Boston. Haha, not actually everything of course but it was just really exciting to drive over the place that Paul Revere road across and see the steeple that he got signals from. It's crazy! It actually happened!
So that's my brief amazement at Boston, but then...we finally arrived at Gordon and it was ten times more beautiful than I expected. We were all assuming that the college would seem way smaller once we got there but it seemed way bigger and just absolutely gorgeous. All the buildings have brick walls except for the main office which is an old mansion with stone walls, fancy tables and chairs, glorious windows, intricate chandeliers, and numerous intriguing hallways. The grass is green and wonderful and everywhere. The trees are cool even without leaves and I can only imagine how beautiful this campus looks with snow covering it, or with flowers blooming everywhere, or with autumn leaves of crazy colors growing on the trees. It would be so great to finally experience seasons!
The whole Accepted Students Day has been really professional and organized and my kooky sidenote is that I love all the graphic elements of the name tags, schedules, signs directing us where to go, etc. (I'm a yearbook nerd, what can I say?) We went to a comedy show kind of like Comedy Sportz and it was extremely fun and entertaining and I had to stop myself from giving off my obnoxiously loud laugh. A guy named Eli totally showed me up actually. His laugh was so stinkin' loud and I loved it. It's good to hear that he was enjoying himself.
Lastly, I went to this worship service called "Catacombs." It was in the chapel and all the lights were off and I could barely see the people on stage who were leading acoustically. It was so beautiful to hear everyone worshipping and I was so glad to see that so many people chose to spend the last hour of their night worshipping God. It was good for me to stop and rest and get to reflect on who God is and what He did for me. This whole trip and has been good for that seeing as I just finished an extremely busy week. I've been relaxed despite the tours and what some might perceive as chaos--I've really enjoyed myself.
Being with the Reagans is so delightful. I have never hung out with the whole family this much before and I can honestly say that I have loved every second of it. The way they get along is really beautiful and I love that they just genuinely care about each other and enjoy each other's presence. I am so grateful that God put them in my life because they have really brightened it up.
Anyway, I am extremely tired but I felt good about what came to mind during Catacombs. Just thinking about what college would be like here was really interesting and taking the time to just worship God and think about things peacefully led me to realizing new things about myself and about what I want my experience in college to look like and more importantly, what God wants it to look like. I am excited to make my decision in peace, whatever it turns out to be. I am faithful that God will guide me and I can't wait to start a whole new chapter, if you will. Although it will be pretty scary probably, I am excited for the "holy struggle," as the First Lady of Gordon said. God is good. Goodnight!
