This new season.
Lately, I am trying to just be really honest with myself. And with God. Like I used to get really caught up in should's and supposed to's but lately I am trying to almost start over and get out of old thinking patterns. It's all sort of confusing to anyone reading this and it still is kind of confusing to myself. I just realized a few weeks ago how I would let others' perspectives and thoughts flood my own mind and I stopped being able to decipher who the thoughts belonged to. I felt like something was attacking my mind and it made me want to cry. Or just sleep. Or yell. It's weird because it was too much to even write about which used to be my way out. But I just imagined my hand not being able to write as quickly as my thoughts were moving. And I felt like there were very few people that would understand. If any. I've moved on from that I'd say. I am trying to take things slower lately. I don't have to figure everything out right away and I'm not sure if this is even wrong to say, but I don't want to set limits on myself to only do what's "right." I feel like I sometimes get so caught up in right and wrong, I almost forget what makes me happy. Simply. Like I wouldn't even know what I personally enjoyed. And why. And I can get lost in if it's okay to even enjoy sometime. Whether or not this is right, I am trying to get back to letting myself simply feel. And I want to see where that takes me. If something makes me happy, then it does. Who knows where that will go. It's unfortunate too because I often realize how mathematical and boring my view of God is. That probably sounds weird. But it's like I feel like I limit Him. Well not that I do. But for myself I do. Yeah. Liiike, I can just feel my perspective of Him being too small. And I even get scared to let more perspectives of Him in for fear that they are wrong. But God has to be to big to understand. And I'm someone who likes to understand things and people inside and out but God. That needs to be a different story. I need to let my mind wander. I need to rest in His love. And sometimes sit and just try to imagine how huge it is. And not even by comparing Him to earthly things like parental love or whatever. Like, it's this Love I cannot comprehend. At all. And it takes me a while to let that sink in. To be honest, it takes me a while to accept. Because a God who works in formulas and equations is easier for me to figure out. But that view is also a view that makes me feel small and not empowered and scared and looked down upon. And I know that my understanding of God should continually make me feel more free. I would hope that's the case. This feels right to write. Which makes me happy. And I wouldn't even want anyone to respond and affirm any of it. Because like. I don't know, that would just make me uncomfortable. Haha. I'm very into people just listening lately. And it sounds so cliche to be like "Don't tell me what to do/think" but for the first time, I really just don't want to hear that kind of stuff. I just want encouragement to be honest. Just like effortless encouragement. Hahah I'm so picky. I don't know how to explain it. I just want God to be the only One that knows me inside and out. People kind of scare me. Trusting them is scary. Having them love me is scary. I don't want to feel like people are always trying to figure me out and nitpick at my qualities and flaws and analyze me and stuff. I hate that. It makes me cringe. But it's funny because I started to realize that I am that way. But I just want people to enjoy me. Being around me. And maybe not even know why. And I want to be that way with others. I want to just know that for some reason, they make me smile. Or laugh. Or think in a new way. And just feel happy and joyful. And that's enough. I want to look at others in a simpler way. And never feel intimidating. Or have them think I'm judgmental. And have them know that we are all on the same page. I really do believe that. Lately. We're all so similar in so many ways. And it's really beautiful. I want my heart to feel at peace all the time. I want to trust God in a freeing way. I want to just feel His love. Maybe not even understand it or be able to explain it. But just live daily, feeling it and feeling like it is overflowing from me. I want everyone to feel God's love. And it's funny because so many of us think logically and love reason and that can get in the way, at least for me. And as lame as this sounds, listening to Owl City makes me rest. Makes my mind feel nice. And my heart. And the guy who writes the stuff would be happy to hear that, I know. Even reading the few things he has written in blogs and whatnot is so awesome. And cute. He seems really imaginative and appreciate of little things. He's not afraid to say that these ten things make him happy. 1 Music. 2 Stargazing. 3 Swingsets by the beach. 4 flip flops and designer jeans. 5 Blue eyes. 6 Driving with the sunroof open. 7 Red Bull. 8 Bunny tracks ice-cream. 9 Sleeping in. 10 Fireflies in the twilight. And he's fine with not sleeping! That's when he just makes his music. Something about the honesty in his top 10 list just makes me happy. And when asked 'What should you be doing right now?' he responded with 'Sitting on a beach holding hands with a girly.' And that made me smile. Because I'm such a freak, I'd probably think something along those lines and feel like I couldn't say it. Feel like I had to say something that seemed more productive. Or smarter. Or impressive. Or, I don't know. When in reality, sitting on a beach holding hands with a boy would be rather lovely. Haha, so whatever. In conclusion, I'm trying to start being more honest. That will be better for me I think. Better for my relationship with God. And better for my relationships with others. Hopefully people will pick up on this. And feel that they can be the same way. Just open. Say whatever they want. No matter how cheesy, trendy, out there, lame it is. Just some thoughts I figured I'd share in this place where I can be honest. My blog that no one reads. Hahaha :) That's probably cheating. That's okay.
posted by Emily @ 2:44 AM
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